Sincerely, Not a Victim

Were you the bully? The victim? Or somewhere in between? Maybe you were more than one through your childhood. Whatever mold you fit into, I am sure you have been a part of bullying from one angle or another throughout your life. As a teacher or parent, you have probably had to witness it. You have tried to stop it, but felt powerless in the face of the beast that has consumed childhoods and ended some. Sure, you can stop what you see in front of you, but the bullying is everywhere, like an omniscient, suffocating monster that is impervious to your efforts. That is why Dear Bully was published.

Dear Bully is a compilation of short essays from 70 authors. These are authors our children have read, and maybe we have read as well. These are adults who write for our children every day, so who better to talk to them about bullying? The stories these adults shared were ones of anger, of survival, and of shame. Some were the victims, the bystanders, or the bullies themselves. This is an amazing compilation of stories that dissect the bullying phenomenon from the inside out. But most importantly, they speak to kids today.

The stories aren't written for parents or teachers. They are written directly for the children surviving in the terrifying jungle that high school has become. Some are stories of triumph while others show pure survival. Either way, bullying is serious, it can kill you, but you don't have to give in to it. Some are funny, some are terrifying. R.L. Stine's story of how coincidence combined with his wise-guy big mouth got him bullied reminded me of why I loved his books as a young adult. He added humor to his story and showed how quick wit can get you into trouble and out of it with quite a flair!

The most touching stories for me were those of the bystanders, the kids who did nothing to stop the bullying or went along with it for fear of being the next target. In my senior literature class this term we have been talking at length about a three character play called Death and the Maiden where the characters represent the victim, the perpetrator, and the bystander. Victims and perpetrators are fairly straight forward, but the bystander is a fuzzy gray area. Sometimes they are guilty, sometimes they are innocent, but one thing follows them and even haunts them- the failure to do anything to stop the hurt of the victim. This is a group my kids and I struggled to define because they are so different. One thing they have in common, though, is that shame of not trying to stop it.

When we are young, we barely know who we are yet. Who are we kidding, I am 30 and I barely know! So how do we empower kids to stand up, stop the bullying, and free themselves from the shame of being a bystander? How do we let kids know that there are people out there to talk to, people who can save them? This book is a huge start. I loved the fact that the stories ranged across the bullying spectrum, but my one criticism is that the stories are predominantly from the female perspective. There are a few male authors, but mostly women contributed their stories. i wish it was more even across genders, but I still love what this book contains. It holds hope. Page after page, from cover to cover, you see hope. This is a message we can't prevent our children from hearing.

The stories themselves are very short- the longest is about 5 pages long. This is great for a student who has a short attention span or struggles with comprehension in a full-length novel. The short snippets are independent and can therefore be used as excellent comprehension checks by themselves without a need to remember everything that came before it. The wide mix of stories is also great to reach many different kinds of children. And if they aren't into a particular story? Skip it! This is an amazing book that should have a home in every classroom, library or home with children. Spread the message:

"Dear Bully, You think you can beat me. But I disagree. Sincerely, Not a Victim"

A Witness to Bullying

Bullying seems to be seeping into my world more and more lately. From the conference, to the last few YA books I have read, it seems to be everywhere. Sadly. So how do you make each book unique and special? Because you make it real. Catherine Ryan Hyde made Diary of a Witness as real as you could get with the lives of two young men who continue to suffer at the hands of their bullies even after they suffer and inconceivable tragedy.

Ernie and Will are friends, but they are each other's only real friend. Both are targets. Ernie is bullied because he is overweight and his mom is even more overweight and his father split long ago. Will is bullied because he is strange and has acne and his mother left with another man, leaving him, his little brother Sam, and his father to fend for themselves. Both boys like fishing, which is also a source of mockery amongst the popular guys at school. One day Will convinces Ernie to go fishing in the ocean with him and Sam. In a freak accident, the boat is sunk and Sam never surfaces.

After Sam's death, you would think the bullies would lay off Will for a while, but they do something worse. They use his brother's death as fodder for the torment. In fact, they beat Will down so much, he tries to kill himself. Ernie calls the ambulance and saves Will, but even this doesn't stop the bullies. Ernie and Will go to Ernie's uncle's house for Christmas vacation and they almost feel normal. When they come back to school, though, it is as if Will just can't take it anymore. He talks about hurting the bullies so much that it makes Ernie nervous. When the bullies attack Ernie and Will one final time, it seems as though Will has been driven to do the unthinkable. But can Ernie stop Will before he does something he can never take back? Should he care if the people who tormented him for years are going to get hurt?

This book is told from the perspective of both a witness and a victim. Ernie tells the story, but he is still a victim himself. The narration gives the reader an interesting take on how the bullying dynamic can affect children. An interesting aspect is when the bullies accidentally take it too far. One time, they tripped Ernie and he tripped too far, falling down the stairs. He was barely conscious, but he could hear the boys were scared- they meant to trip him, but not throw him down the stairs. Of course, their concern is for how much trouble they are going to be in, not Ernie's welfare. It shows how almost a frenzy is created when these things get going, bringing people to levels they would never reach independently. This is a scary examination into the world of bullied teens.

The story is short, only 200 pgs, and is appropriate for all ages, high powered elementary students through low-skilled high school students. The subject matter is tough, but so is school for kids of all ages. If a kid is able to read this book, then they have surely been involved in bullying somehow, as a bully, a victim, or a witness. To see the extreme of consequences bullying can reach is an important lesson to learn. This book is versatile enough reach so many kids, it becomes a great asset to any classroom or library.

5th Annual Girl Bullying Conference

I had the privilege of attending this year's bullying conference last week. I wasn't entirely sure what to expect, but when I got there, it was clear these people had some great information and ideas. There are a number of different aspects for bullying, especially girl bullying, or relational aggression as it is called now (I just remember it as torture for most of 6th and 7th grade). You have to consider who is doing the bullying. These days, it isn't a big, scary-looking, mean boy with tattoos who smokes cigarettes as the John Hughes movies would have us believe. Instead, it is the popular girl, the smart girl, the girl who charms adults and knows how to torture her victims without ever raising suspicions. Who is the target? Could be anyone. Anyone who crosses the bully, has something she wants, or just has the pure dumb luck to be in the right place at the right time. The important thing to remember is the victim has done absolutely nothing to deserve this behavior. All too often we here "well, she is a weird girl. No wonder the other girls don't want to sit with her". This is called blaming the victim and is reprehensible on so many levels.

Another problem many schools face is where does the bullying occur? Well, as we all remember, it takes place int he hallways, the locker rooms, the school bus, etc. Barbara Coloroso said at the conference the bathrooms in a school were the single most dangerous place for a victim to enter. They are completely unsupervised space where the bully has total control. But the scarier and even less controlled than the bathrooms is the great land of cyber infinity. With all the social media we have at our fingertips, girls have taken bullying to a level we cannot fathom. If a girl moves because the bullying in her school is so bad, the rumors, lies, and torment only take a few keystrokes to follow her. Kids create Facebook pages about the perceived sexual activities of their targets. They text them. They video the target getting pushed, threatened, attacked, and then post it for everyone to see. This inescapable nature of cyberbullying has created a situation so dire kids are killing themselves. So what can we, as parents, adults, and educators, do about it?

Well, Barbara Coloroso will tell you conflict resolution isn't going to accomplish anything. Bullying isn't a fight, it isn't a conflict, so sitting down the bully and the target won't change a blessed thing. In fact, in this scenario, very often the bully will seem sincere, sorry, and beg forgiveness, while the victim will be angry and confrontational. The moderator may seem perplexed by this aggression and start to blame the victim, but would you want to agree to be friends with your torturer?! She went on to say people like Dr. Phil, who think the bully wouldn't hurt their victim if only they knew the pain they were causing, are so wrong they have left the reservation. Can we really think the bullies don't know the pain they are causing? Not only do they know how much they are hurting their victim, they enjoy it. They get pleasure from the pain. So telling them about the pain they inflict won't help the situation. It might make it worse, but it certainly isn't going to stop it. So what the heck can we do?

Well, first we have to recognize what the bullying has done to separate themselves from the victim enough to cause this pain with complete disregard. They have stopped seeing the victim as a person, and instead they see them as an "it". The victim is subhuman to them. So we must start early to create empathy among our students. They must feel for the people around them, including their victim. Now, I don't pretend to know how to do this, but if you have any suggestions, I am all ears. I have some ideas, of course, but I don't think there is any one formula or tactic that will work for every scenario. This is like a puzzle that can't be done the same way twice.

But the one thing so many presenters at the conference said is we can't be reactionary with bullying... we have to be preventative. How do we make our students care about each other so much they wouldn't bully? How do we create a sense of community where students protect one another instead of hurt one another? Once presenter created a year-long calender that focused on bringing girls together with various projects and community service efforts. They called it Chick Chat. It included some fun chick movies (and some serious ones), bake sales, clothing drives for battered women, and so much more. Each month was a theme like Breast Cancer for October, Family, Friendships, Relationships, etc. Each week there was an activity or meeting and they tried to include outside speakers for every theme. The presenter explained their girls weren't required to come, but bit by bit they trickled in until a community was born.

Punishment is important when bullying occurs, but there needs to be more than just punishment. I remember a student who damaged space in her dorm once, nothing too damaging, but enough to make a lot more work for the women in charge of housekeeping. Why did she do this? She didn't have empathy for them. She assumed it was their job to clean up after her, and their hard work didn't matter to her. The perfect "punishment"/exercise in empathy? Make her work with them for a couple of days, doing the same work they do. I personally think this made more of a difference with that young woman than any detention or suspension ever would have. Perspective is powerful tool.


Barbara Coloroso also write a book called Extraordinary Evil: A Short Walk to Genocide, a book that explains bullying behavior we see so often in schools across the world is very similar to the behavior and aggression the perpetrators of genocide display. They make their victim an "it", thereby negating any need for empathy or caring of their victim's pain. In Rwanda, the Tutsi were called cockroaches. In Germany, the Jews were called rats. Make your victim into something inhuman, and you can justify your actions and absolve your guilt. I have taught a unit about the 1994 Rwandan Genocide to students for a few years now, and the hardest thing I find is to make them truly understand the fear and pain these people experienced. It is so foreign and distant form their own lives, they have trouble imagining it. Sure, they understand genocide is awful, but they don't understand how awful. But every kid understands the reaction they felt to being bullied- the stomach clenching, sweat producing fear of seeing your attacker from a distance knowing what is about to happen. By connecting those emotions to the worst product of human nature, genocide, we can create empathy in our students. I have found this book to be an invaluable tool, and think any history teacher would count this as a valuable tool in their classrooms.

So we have a seemingly insurmountable problem that plagues our children. We have tried everything, and no solution is flawless. But if this conference has taught me anything, it is that our kids are too important to lose to bullying. We need to find a way to create empathy in our children. We need to never blame the victim and be savvy to the ways of the bully, including the charm, manipulation, and deceit they use when the adults are around. And most importantly, we need to create a community where they want to protect one another, not harm one another. It is a tough mountain to scale, but not impossible.